Welcome, welcome, welcome. It’s 2018, and I’m finally posting again. It’s been a while. To be quite frank, I’ve been in a deep funk for the last two months or so. Some of it has been being in a toxic work environment and struggling to get out of said work environment at the hardest possible time of year: the holidays. Even though there are a shit ton of job reqs out there, rarely do HR departments and companies actually make movement on those reqs at the holidays. But, things are looking up, and I hope that in this first month of 2018, a new opportunity will emerge. Dammit, I’m an agent of change, and change will happen.
Another contributing factor to my funk has been my physical health.Due to a lifetime of abusing my own body through insane workouts and a career that was quite physical, I deal with a lot of pain. I am pursuing a change in that as well, though it’s a slow process. However, small changes to my diet, small increases in my physical activity, and being my own advocate with my doctor will hopefully result in improvements.
The biggest contributor to my funk is really dealing with the positives and negatives of being solopoly. I have a few partners, but ultimately I’m the single woman in the picture, and for a bit was feeling quite expendable. Yes, I know a huge portion of this is indulging in my own bit of self-pity. But this factor in my funk is what’s prevented me from writing because quite honestly, I didn’t know how to express what I’ve been feeling. I’m not confident today I’ll make sense or have a level-headed viewpoint, but I owe myself this post today, to finally really blurt out what’s been preoccupying my mind.
Being Solo Has its Positives.
- It means being able to step away from drama when drama appears.
- It’s egalitarian, and no one has primary consideration.
- Your space is your own, and it’s there when you need it to recharge.
- You’re free to meet people, to a certain extent, though there is still the responsibility of consideration and safety for the people you are involved with.
- You can develop fantastic relationships with metamours.
Being Solo Has its Negatives.
- If you’re involved with someone who has a primary, and life events happen, the reality is that you get put on the back burner for a bit until the life event passes and everyone feels stable and has the energy to expend. That’s just the way it is.
- You get asked, “how many partners do you consider to be too many?”–a question I sometimes find irritating.
- Calendars get more challenging to coordinate. The only solution is absolute communication about needs and better coordination.
- You can have disastrous relationships, or non-existent relationships, with metamours.
If you’ll notice, I mention metamours in both categories. Really, these statements are not unique to being solopoly. I have a fantastic metamour, and I have a not-so-fantastic metamour. One works hard on being my friend, and I give her all the support I can, to foster a healthy relationship for all three of us. She’s pretty self-aware, and has no problem voicing her concerns to me, and also owning her feelings and not laying the responsibility for her feelings at my feet.
I have another metamour that quite frankly, I don’t understand why she identifies as poly. I find her continuing social passive-aggressiveness quite offensive, and I’m struggling with figuring how much I’m willing to tolerate. I blogged about the Two Sides of the Metamour Coin, and while I want to be patient, a recent social event really highlighted the passive-aggressive behavior she exhibits towards me and allegedly her other metamours. My issue is I think she has jealousy issues that are being couched as anxiety; I don’t think she’s taking ownership of her behavior. Yes, we say in poly that you can only go as fast as the slowest partner, but we also say you have to own your shit. It’s a dilemma I’m still pondering.
My Other Solopoly Struggle
I miss having a partner to wake up with and to share things with on a daily basis. Being solopoly, Sometimes it’s gratifying to come home from a date and have my sanctuary. Other times, coming home or watching someone go home leaves me with an emptiness that I berate myself for. Am I being codependent because I want someone to sleep next to? Codependent is the one thing I don’t want to be. I find I don’t want to share all my good and bad daily garbage with my partners; they each have enough of their own to contend with, and most of them have a person to share that garbage with. The result is sometimes the only person I can talk to is me, and my fur babies, and I overload myself with my own thoughts.
As Dan Harmon said, “Feelings are real but they aren’t reality.”
I remind myself of that daily.