For the first time in a while, I’m truly single, and I have total freedom to explore non-monogamy and designer relationships. I say I have total freedom because even when I first became single after my divorce in 2012, I didn’t know polyamory existed, and I was struggling through the conventional dating scene. Eventually, I entered the kink scene and found out about polyamory, but I was polyamorous on someone else’s terms.
Five years later, I not only know about this thing called polyamory, I have personally experienced a bit of it for a few years, and now that I’m fully single, the knowledge I have gives me freedom.
The truth is, I feel rather like I’m floating in a sea of choices in determining my relationship needs and want.
I have one play partner, “B,” who is solopoly. She is her own primary partner, well known in the kink community, and has a fairly large circle of partners. I’ve known her a few years, and it took forever for us both to finally say, “Hey, I’m attracted to you immensely.”
I think about B alot. Not in the “Oh my gosh, she’s the center of my world” kind of way. My thoughts are contemplative as I get to know her and about her various play partners. How she negotiates, how she makes time for her partners, how she identifies the positive addition a partner gives her life, how she makes me feel special when she and I talk or flirt or spend time together. I think about how she responsibly manages her career, her very busy kink life, and her partners. All the while maintaining an equality among all of us who are part of her circle.
I am in the midst of getting to know some people in the poly community who have indicated they are interested in being partners with me. I get asked what it is I am looking for. I’ve been asked if I could be part of a triad. I’ve been told (very politely) by one individual that if it seems I have too many partners, that he’ll transition our relationship to something less but maintain a friendship. He couldn’t tell me what “too many” was, but said he’d know it when he felt it. I don’t have an issue with that, but it does make me wonder, “how many is too many?”
I don’t have a magic number in mind. I know my availability is limited since I work full time, have a business, and I volunteer with an organization. To the question about being in a triad, I am open to being in a triad, but not a closed triad. For me personally, a closed triad doesn’t seem ideal at this point in my life.
I look at B, and I’m amazed at her capacity. While some would look at her circle of partners and think she has too many, I look at all of us and realize it’s working for us. It’s comfortable, there’s no jealousy, safe sex is employed, and we’re all happy.
Could I have a solopoly dynamic for myself such as the one B has? I’m open to it. And I like the idea of having my relationships on my terms. I think for too long I’ve had relationships on someone else’s terms. Conversely, I don’t want so many that my time with people is half-hearted and superficial. That isn’t fulfilling to me, either.
I think what’s even more unusual for me is while I feel like I’m floating in a sea of so many choices, I’m not in a rush to make a decision about my needs in non-monogamy. Yes, I want multiple partners. I am affectionate, loving, nurturing, sexual, and kinky as fuck. But I’m not desperate to be loved. I figure as I talk to these people, make a connection, the options will reveal themselves and I’ll find out what works and what doesn’t work.